Sleep. Sleep is good. Sleeping is something I should be doing right now, but I'm not.

My birthday was 2 days ago, though I did not get to celebrate it due to certain circumstances and betrayal of a person who I thought was a true friend. So instead, I will be celebrating it later tonight with hopefully a group of people who I can call friends. Kind of excited about it, because I really wasn't planning on doing anything. At the same time, I don't feel like doing anything. Why? Because... it just makes me sad. Sad because I'm getting old. And sad because celebrations like these make me miss what I don't have. Yes, you should be thankful for what you do have, but I already thankful for that.

I can't stop thinking about Susan since I saw her last Sunday. She really is beautiful. I won't say she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen, because she's not. But she has this strangely attractive beauty that pulls me in. No I'm not putting "The pussy on the pedestal" in the words of the movie 40-year old virgin. She really is that beautiful to me. I just sometimes wonder if she knows it. I want to forget about her, because it seems as if it was easy for her to forget about me. I just can't. I've said this before I think, but she just has that Mandy Moore softness in her. *deep sigh*

It seems as if the girls I always go for, never return the same interest towards me. It's frustrating and very disheartening to go through this. Girls that I'm semi interested show clear signs of interest, but I'm not looking for someone I'm only semi interested in. I can keep repeating myself on things I've said in the past, so I won't waste my time. I know what I have to do. I know what I must do to either finally let go of Susan, or either have a possible chance with her. I just have to get off my ass and do it.

Life does not fall into place for people like me. If I want something, I must go for it with passion. Things I want come hard for people like me. So just completing school and getting my degree isn't as easy as my family and relative say it is. This isn't the olden days where having a degree in the medical field will get you any girl you want.

>=( I really don't even know why I'm writing all this right now. I really wish I had a phone again. I keep telling myself I'm going to take care of it and call to replace my old one, but I never do. Work and finding a new apartment to move into is so fuckin stressful. I need someone to lean on through all this. After being single for so long, I've come to learn the importance of having someone other than your family there for you in your life. Especially in my family, I lack the true support I wish for. It's why I've always found frineds to be much more supportive in things I do or want to accomplish. But just having that special someone there makes... it makes it all worthwhile.

I want to ramble more, because I know it will help me sleep if I do. I just don't know what to ramble about but the same continuous shit I think about.

So at my little thing later tonight, I'd like there to be a lot of girls. Thing is, all the girls I know are a bit... young. Yeah that's what you get for working at the mall. Everyone seems to be under 20. Met this girl name Lin a few weeks ago. Really cute looking but found out she was only 18 =| Saw the way she was looking at me and how close she seemed around me the entire night, though I didn't exactly return the same vibe back to her. Working at the mall you see a lot of eye candy, but that's basically it. There will most likely be a lot of drinking tonight, and I don't like dealing with girls that can't handle their alcohol because they seem to get really obnoxious. That and they are just underage! I know I can get them the drinks, I just don't want to have to be responsible for them. Because of this, I know there won't be very many girls there at all besides the Ameripark crew. Sunday night will also mean not a lot of people in general at the bar.

Was looking at myself in the mirror today and did notice myself that my face looks thinner, my tummy very slightly more tucked in and my shoulders... wow. They have never been this defined before, even though I don't lift weights anymore. I guess the muscle I have gained throughout my highschool and early college years is still around! It's awsome and makes me that much more satisfied that having my current job is rewarding in different ways.

Anyways... this doesn't seem to be working the way it use to. Going to end it here and try to get A LOT of rest for tonight. Have lots of things to take care of before the big night.

You can not miss something. . .

. . . you never had.

I thought I saw Susan at the Westfield Mall in Arcadia where I was working earlier today. I think we both saw each other (if that was really even her). It sure did seem like it was her, or maybe I was wanting it to be her. We were busy and I was too shy. I should have at least called out her name to see if it was her, but I didn't. She was with a group of friends. For the first time in a very long time, I felt jealous. She looked taller. She looked more beautiful. Appearance wise, I know I have changed a lot since I last saw her. I have what some people say, the perfect tan. I've always been told countless times that I've lost weight. She doesn't know where I work anymore, so I doubt she expected to see me there at the mall.

But I was jealous. And it bothered me that I was, because I never expected myself to be. Yeah I know it's a natural human feeling, but I've never came off as the jealous type. I saw her walking with some guy, and automatically assumed it was her BF. Then I saw her with a group of friends and thought she was just with some friends. I'm sure she saw me, because I saw her looking my way. Maybe she was thinking the same thing I was. But if it was her... I don't know. I wish she might have said something though I know I should have.

Seeing her today left me really bothered. I still have that short story of letters I have never mailed to her. I hate letting go of people, but some people need to be let go of. I hate letting go of old friends too, but some people change. So in a way, this is an entry of two different things. Goodbyes suck, but not everyone really tries with it comes to the relationship you have with them. I feel so disconnected with my friends as of recently, because I have no phone anymore =\ I still have to get myself a new one.

So much shit has been going on these last few months. Lots up downs and not enough ups. Owning up to responsibilities is tough, but it must be done. Sometimes I wish I was still in grade school. I just want to go on vacation and just... let go. I want to go on vacation with all of my friends both here in CA and WA and just... have fun. Sometimes this feeling of being trapped and not being able to do what you want to do makes me want to... break down. I just don't like feeling so lonely anymore. I've always been good at putting up that happy front. I'm never thought as the depressed guy, but the happy nice guy.

Lots of things to do later today. I should sleep. I want to die.